Beauty And The Beat: Sheila E.'s Memoir Is A Real Page-Turner

I've been a Sheila E. fan since she burst onto the scene in 1984 with The Glamorous Life. I just finished reading her new autobiography, To the Beat of My Own Drum, and found it fascinating. 

Sheila's story is a true page-turner, taking you behind the lacy veil of mystery surrounding Prince, her longtime musical collaborator, friend and - as she reveals in the memoir - former fiancé (more on that later).

Even as a longtime fan, I discovered many things about this phenomenally talented and beautiful woman that I never knew. (Read my review of her excellent new album, Icon, by clicking this link: http://chrisbournea.blogspot.com/2014/08/icon-sheila-e-releases-new-album-memoir.html)

Faded Photographs - Me, Sheila and her dad, Pete, at the Conga Room
nightclub in Los Angeles in 2002. I'm holding one of her drumsticks.

Some things that surprised me most that I discovered by reading To the Beat of My Own Drum:

Sheila had romantic relationships with Prince and Carlos Santana. Perhaps the most surprising revelations in Sheila's candid memoir is that she was romantically involved with both Prince and Carlos Santana.

Sheila met Santana as a teen when her father, legendary bandleader Pete Escovedo, and her Uncle Coke played percussion in his band. Since she was only 18 at the time and Santana was 10 years older, she hid the relationship from nearly everyone, including her parents.

And when it comes to Prince, I had always assumed that the Minneapolis genius and Sheila E. were too much like brother and sister to have dated. Turns out I was wrong.

As Sheila confesses in her juicy memoir, they were indeed a couple at one time and were so close that he proposed. 

You'll have to read her book to find out how both of these relationships ended (but, thankfully, they're all friends now).

She lived a very Glamorous Life, indeed. Those elaborate, lacy costumes that she donned on the album covers and tours for The Glamorous Life and Romance 1600 cost thousands of dollars.

We fans would have loved her just the same if she would have come onstage in nothing but a halter top and cut-off jeans. (In fact, there's a video from a nightclub appearance in the early '90s to promote her Sex Cymbal album in which she's wearing what I just described. Sorry, I couldn't find the link.)

At the height of her fame, she was a demanding diva. The Sheila E. of today seems like a sweet, approachable, considerate person. But as she confesses in her memoir, as her fame grew in the '80s, she became a demanding diva who yelled at people when they failed to respond quickly enough to her every whim.

As Sheila relates in the book, re-commiting herself to her Christian faith and addressing her childhood abuse in the '90s helped her to shed the diva alter ego.

She's not bilingual. In her book, Sheila talks about her identity crisis growing up as the oldest of two girls and two boys born to a Mexican American father, the aforementioned Pete Escovedo, and a black Creole mother, Juanita Gardere. She never felt fully black or fully Mexican and never picked up Spanish since her father spoke English around the house. 

The fact that Sheila's not bilingual surprised me. She's always struck me as someone who is a bridge between cultures, seamlessly blending Latin jazz , salsa, funk and R&B. I had assumed that she and her brothers Juan and Peter Michael and sister Zina grew up speaking "Spanglish" and that Sheila knew enough Spanish to get by.

When Sheila occasionally incorporates Spanish phrases into her lyrics, such as the dance jam "Private Party (Tu Para Mi)," she sounds totally natural.  

She was bullied growing up. In her memoir, Sheila describes being severely bullied by neighborhood kids growing up in rough-and-tumble Oakland. This surprised me because I guess I'd mistakenly assumed that most kids who are bullied are "nerds." And Sheila E. is the opposite of nerdy and awkward. She's always exuded that funky-sexy-cool musician vibe.

But this just goes to show that anyone can be a victim of bullying. There is no "type."

She suffered repeated abuse as a child. I'd previously heard Sheila talk about being sexually abused by a babysitter at the age of 5. But in her memoir, she relates that she suffered repeated abuse from older male cousins who were charged with babysitting her and her brothers.

She writes movingly about the enormous amount of courage it took as an adult to confront her abusers. And it took even more courage to forgive them.

Sheila's childhood experiences are part of the reason she has a passion for helping abused and abandoned children heal through the power of music. This is the mission of her Elevate Hope Foundation, which she operates with Lynn Mabry, her longtime friend, business partner and manager.

For this reason, and so many others, Sheila is an inspiration.

She's an unintentional feminist.  Growing up playing percussion with her father, brothers and her father's famous friends like Tito Puente, it never occurred to Sheila to attach a gender to a musical instrument. Until people started commenting on the fact that "a girl playing the drums" was unusual. 

As Sheila states in her memoir, she's always prided herself on being able to do what any man can do, and do it better - in six-inch heels!

She can't read music and "plays by heart." Sheila is one of those people who is so naturally gifted that she received very little formal music instruction, but she's had a four-decade career that has far surpassed many musicians who trained at Julliard. She's worked with the best in the business, long before Prince, including the late Marvin Gaye, George Duke, Herbie Hancock, Lionel Richie and Diana Ross (in the book, she shares a funny story about how she quit Ross' band after the musical director asked Sheila to wear less provocative clothing). 

Sheila also gives some excellent tips on how to succeed as a drummer, and how to succeed in the music business, in general. One of my favorite quotes is about how mistakes sometimes turn into the best experiences: "It's okay to make a mistake. Sometimes a mistake is far more interesting than perfection."

I highly recommend picking up To The Beat of My Own Drum (for more info, check out her website, http://www.sheilae.com/). It's so refreshing to read an autobiography by a music star in which a descent into drug and alcohol addiction is not a factor. Perhaps because of the firm foundation her close-knit family provided, Sheila relates that she never became a regular drug user and is not much of a drinker.

Her clean living probably explains, in part, why she can still bang a gong like nobody's business.

What Is The Proper Social Media Etiquette? There Is No Such Thing.

"Do you hear me? Do you care? ...

What are words for, when no one listens at all?"

 

- Missing Persons, "Words"

 

What is the proper social media etiquette? The question is moot because such a thing doesn't exist.

When it comes to social media, forget any rules you may have learned about how to conduct yourself in polite society. When it comes to rules for Facebook, in particular, there are no rules.

The paradox of Facebook is its random and anonymous nature. Facebook may fall into the category of "social media," but there are many occasions when it doesn't feel sociable at all. When you post something, your "Friends" can choose to totally ignore it, and that's perfectly acceptable.

This is the opposite, of course, of what happens when you interact with friends, family and coworkers in person. If you were at a party with a group of friends and shared an experience or some personal insight, in order not to hurt your feelings, they'll comment on what you said or at least give you the "courtesy laugh" - even if your comment wasn't as clever and witty as you'd like to think. Or at the very least, they'll nod in acknowledgement.

"Liking" a comment on Facebook is the social media equivalent of nodding in acknowledgment. It's a quick way to let someone know that you've "heard" what they've said, even if you don't care to join in the conversation they've started. And you can "like" a comment even if you don't necessarily agree with their statement.

I "like" Facebook Friends' posts all the time, especially when I've only got a limited amount of time and don't want to get caught up in a lengthy discussion. But there are times when it's perplexing when people "like" posts instead of commenting.

For example, why do people "like" posts that ask a direct question and are clearly looking for a written response? For example, if I post, "What is your favorite color?" and someone "likes" my post instead of stating something along the lines of "I like blue," isn't that totally defeating the purpose?

If you don't have a favorite color, just say so. It's perfectly acceptable to respond with something along the lines of, "I don't really have a favorite color, but people tell me I look great in blue."

And if you don't have an opinion about colors and/or can't think of something to say, why "like" the question at all? Just ignore it and keep scrolling!

And on the flip side, what if someone responded to my post, "What is your favorite color?" with the following comment: "I like red. What's your favorite color, Chris?" What if I responded by "liking" their comment? They took the time to read and comment on my post, but I respond with a "like" instead of answering their direct question? Is that polite?

(By the way, I don't necessarily have a favorite color, but friends have told me I look good in blue.)

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Some Facebook stats:

 

Average amount of posts that can appear in a Facebook user's feed each day: 1,500 (as of April 3, 2014)

 

Percent of Facebook users who "liked" a post: 33.8 percent (as of May 12, 2014)

 

Percent of Facebook users who shared a post: 26.7 percent (as of May 12, 2014)

 

Source: Expandedramblings.com

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"Liking" a Facebook post instead of commenting when someone poses a direct question is the social media equivalent of running into someone in person and they ask you with sincerity, "How are you doing?" and you respond with a faint smile and say nothing.

While it may not be intentionally rude to smile and keep your mouth shut when someone sincerely inquires about your well-being, this gesture certainly doesn't reciprocate the other person's warmth and generosity of spirit.

And just as "liking" a Facebook post in the form of a direct question could confuse the person who made the post, faintly smiling when someone asks how you're doing leaves the other person wondering. Does the faint smile mean you're dealing with some hardship but don't want to go into the gory details? Does the fact that you didn't say anything mean you resent my prying into your business, when I was just trying to be nice? Who knows...

This blog entry is part of a series on "The Perils of Social Media." In my next post, which I plan to publish on Monday, Oct. 20, I'll explore why responding when people comment on your Facebook posts may seem like the polite thing to do, but can actually have the opposite effect and could discourage people from commenting on your posts at all.  
 

The Sweetest Taboo? Nicotine.

"You give me the sweetest taboo/That's why I'm in love with you..."

For tens of thousands of people, these lyrics from Sade's 1985 hit song "The Sweetest Taboo" sum up their forbidden romance. But not with a special someone, with a thing - nicotine.

An incident I experienced the other day at a fast food restaurant drive-thru, of all places, illustrates nicotine's strong pull.

I'm sitting at the drive-thru with my car window cracked when the woman who was waiting on me steps away from the window to retrieve my food. Suddenly, another woman in a uniform walks up and starts approaching my vehicle.

This second woman is holding a cigarette and steps next to my car and bangs on the drive-thru window. The woman who had been waiting on me returns and looks mortified as her coworker hands her a lighter to return to another coworker.

While this is going on, the woman standing in the drive-thru next to my car is absentmindedly dangling her cigarette in my direction, so that all the smoke wafts into my car and blows directly into my face.

When the woman with the cigarette walks away, I joke to the woman who's waiting on me as she hands me my order, "Be sure to thank your friend for the free dose of nicotine."

The woman who'd inadvertently blown smoke in my face is a textbook example of the power of nicotine: she risked her job by doing something really silly. Snuffing her cigarette out before she stepped up to the drive-thru window (which she shouldn't have been doing in the first place) would have cost her a few precious puffs.

Instead of getting angry, the situation struck me as hilarious at the time. But nicotine addiction is really no laughing matter.

According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control, smoking is the leading cause of preventable death in the United States, accounting for more than 480,000 deaths, or one in five deaths, every year. More than 16 million Americans suffer from a smoking-related disease.

For tips on how to quit smoking, visit  http://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/quit_smoking/how_to_quit/

Fortunately, nicotine never became a habit for me. I once tried cigarettes as a teen, but smoking seemed disgusting, like putting my mouth on an exhaust pipe. And since one of my chores as a kid was emptying my grandfather's spittoon, which carried the nasty remnants of his Red Man chew, I was never tempted by smokeless tobacco, either.

We all have our bad habits. And nicotine seems to be one of the hardest to kick.

Learning Spanish (Aprendiendo Español) - Overcoming The Frustration Factor

For most of 2014, I've been trying to learn Spanish. As with anything in life, sticking with it when you hit a wall and working to overcome the frustration factor is a big part of the effort.

I took Spanish in high school and college and have always had an interest in Latin music and culture. But this doesn't mean that picking up the language comes easily or naturally to me.

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Why learn a new language? - Why do I want to learn Spanish? Number one, I have an innate desire that can't really be explained. Number two, I think knowing another language will make me a more well-rounded global citizen. I'd also like to learn French. But there are only so many hours in a day...
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Before this year, I made casual attempts to learn Spanish by listening to an instructional audiobook. I'd listen every now and then, but this year I decided to buckle down and get serious and now I play my Penton Overseas files every morning while getting dressed and in the evening while walking to my car when I get off work.

I've also read a couple of excellent books about language learning, including John Del Gaudio's How to Become Fluent in Spanish: Not for Beginners, Not Quick and Easy, but Really Effective, and Benny Lewis' Fluent in Three Months. I've found both of these books really helpful and have begun using some of the authors' tips, such as Del Gaudio's suggestion to try to learn 10 new words a day.

Despite these efforts, it's really frustrating to watch a movie or TV show in Spanish, tune into a talk show on the local Spanish radio station or listen to Spanish music and only be able to pick up a few words and phrases here and there. So how do you overcome the frustration factor?

Learning a language is much like trying to lose weight and get in shape: there will be peaks and valleys, successes and setbacks. There will be times when I'm successful at deciphering the meaning of a Spanish phrase and times when everything I've learned escapes me.

Just like when you're getting in shape and sometimes you're delighted when you step on the scale and discover that you've lost more weight than you realized. But other times you hit a plateau and can't seem to lose an ounce.

Whether it's working toward a fitness goal or learning a language, I think perseverance is really the key. You have to be committed that no matter how many plateaus you hit, you're going to keep pushing and trying new things until you have another breakthrough.

Many of us learn through repetition and reinforcement, repetition and reinforcement, repetition and reinforcement... (Get the idea?)

One thing I recently realized is that the activities I've been doing to learn Spanish thus far are fine, but I also need a more structured program that's taught in a classroom or online. A structured learning program combined with the ancillary activities I'm already doing will help me pick up the language a lot more efficiently, I believe.

 

And, of course, I need to spend time engaging in conversations with native speakers, which will force me to recall more of the words and phrases I've learned and pick up new ones.

As Benny Lewis says in Fluent in Three Months, passion for what you're doing will help you overcome obstacles. Frustration is an inevitable part of trying to accomplish something, but the effort is worth it.

Finding Out 'What's Happening!!" Is A Retro Treat

On Friday and Saturday nights, I often stay up late and scour the Internet looking for something entertaining to watch. A few months ago, I came across the TV One Unsung Hollywood episode on What's Happening!!, the popular '70s sitcom.

Watching Unsung Hollywood led me to YouTube old What's Happening!! episodes. I was in preschool and kindergarten during the show's original 1976-79 run on ABC and have only foggy memories of "Rerun" and the gang.

Check out What's Happening!! "minisodes" on YouTube
at this link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_UTHn8TElE

 

But rediscovering What's Happening!! is like catching up with old friends. Checking out one of the episodes at bedtime is like emotional comfort food, a glass of warm milk and a plate of chocolate chip cookies before turning in.

As Ernest Lee Thomas, who played lead character Roger "Raj" Thomas, notes in Unsung Hollywood, everyone in the show was perfectly cast. Danielle Spencer was wise beyond her years as Raj's smart-mouthed little sister, Dee. And Shirley Hemphill was so well-suited as the sassy, wise-cracking waitress at the neighborhood soda shop that her character was aptly named after her.

And Mabel King was perfect as the loving matriarch; her character was also named after her. She has such a warm, nurturing presence that it's hard to imagine that she also played the wicked witch, Evillene, in The Wiz.

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My favorite episode: "If I'm Elected." This episode actually doesn't involve the main characters, the Thomas family, but instead focuses on supporting character Dwayne Nelson and his father Lawrence's city council campaign. Lawrence Nelson was played by veteran actor Greg Morris of Mission: Impossible fame.

Greg Morris played Dwayne's father
in my favorite episode.

This episode illustrates what's so great about What's Happening!! - it showed African Americans from all walks of life and depicted a loving father who was a sound role model for his teenage son.

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Based on the classic movie Cooley High (which I hate to admit that I still haven't seen), What's Happening!! was on ABC for only two and a half seasons.  As the cast relates in Unsung Hollywood, behind-the-scenes squabbles over salaries and creative control, as well as fast living and drug use by some of the actors, ultimately led to the show's all-too-soon demise.

It's hard to imagine a sitcom like this making it to the air these days. None of the major networks would seem to be interested in a show about working-class black characters dealing with everyday life.

I love how What's Happening!! was set in the South Central L.A. community of Watts, but none of the story lines deal with drugs, gangs or other stereotypical issues commonly associated with poor, inner-city blacks.

Many of the What's Happening!! plotlines could happen in any family of any race, which explains the show's universal appeal. Like any sitcom, a conflict like Raj stealing a blouse to give to his mother for a birthday present, is neatly wrapped up in 22 minutes.

And it's interesting to see cameos and supporting parts with actors who later went on to fame. In a few episodes, Debbie Morgan plays a teen who hangs around the soda shop. Morgan, of course, went on to win Emmys and NAACP Image Awards as Dr. Angie Hubbard on the ABC soap All My Children.

What's Happening!! had some of the conventions of '70s sitcoms. The Fonz from Happy Days would say "aaaaay" whenever he entered; Haywood Nelson's Dwayne would say "hey, hey, hey."

But unlike some shows of the era, What's Happening!! doesn't seem dated at all (except, of course, for the butterfly collars, bell bottoms and huge afros). I feel like I could sit down and watch the show with my young niece and nephews and they would get just as much enjoyment out of the show as I do.

Maybe because What Happening!! didn't use a lot of cultural references specific to the time or refer much to current events in the news, it doesn't seem "stuck" in the '70s. For that reason, and simply because it's a well-written, well-cast show, What's Happening!! is timeless.

I Tried Dr. Oz's Health Cleanse Program, But The Only Thing I Cleaned Out Was My Fridge

This past weekend, I tried Dr. Oz's three-day cleanse, which consists of eating four healthy shakes a day. This detox program is supposed to clean out your system, but the only thing I cleaned out was my fridge, eating everything in sight. Here's why:  

This cleanse basically amounts to going on a liquid diet for three days, drinking homemade shakes consisting of fruits, vegetables and items found in the health food section of the grocery store like coconut oil and flaxseeds. Instead of three days, I decided to do just two, which sounds fairly easy, right?

The problem is that any liquid diet requires an enormous amount of discipline and self-control. It's not exactly exciting to wake up in the morning and realize, "Instead of bacon and eggs, I get to have a shake made out of celery, kale and cucumbers!"

Rather than follow Dr. Oz's detox program to the tee, I "cheated" and ate more than I would have otherwise. The reason I ended up overeating on this detox program is the same reason why some people end up gaining weight when they switch to a vegetarian diet: you overeat to compensate for feeling deprived of "real" food.

The health shakes on Dr. Oz's detox program actually taste pretty good and are surprisingly filling, since they contain a lot of whole foods - a whole banana, a whole cucumber, four big celery stalks, et cetera. But in order to prevent feeling hungry while on the program, in addition to the shakes, I also ate several slices of bread slathered with almond butter and a whole carton of hummus, with chips for dipping. And that was just on Saturday.

Sunday was the day when I really went off the rails. It probably wasn't a good idea to go on this detox program while working on a big writing project (read my most recent post about the book-in-progress on the legendary All Jokes Aside comedy club by clicking this link: http://chrisbournea.blogspot.com/2014/09/all-jokes-journal-avoiding-predictable.html). I justified going off the detox program and eating a lot of bread, a protein bar, a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich and black bean soup because I was expending so much energy throughout the writing process.  

So, basically, instead of the liquid diet that Dr. Oz's detox program outlines, I just went vegetarian for two days, supplementing the health shakes with extra snacks and meatless meals.

In addition to self-control, Dr. Oz's detox program also takes a lot of planning. In order to stick to the program, you have to either decline lunch or dinner invitations or have your health shake before or after you meet up with friends and family. Or, you could take your shake with you to the restaurant where you're meeting up and explain that you can't eat solid food because you're cleansing your body - and hopefully your mind and spirit along with it.

Would I do Dr. Oz's detox program again? Yes and no. I'll take parts of the program and adjust them to a more sensible way of eating. Maybe I'll set aside a day to go vegetarian and use one or two of the shakes as a healthy snack or as meal replacements for breakfast or lunch. 

Unless you're going to move to a Buddhist monastery or check yourself into a remote resort where everyone is "detoxing" and doing yoga, sticking to a liquid diet is about as realistic as deciding to live off a feeding tube.

The Perils of Social Media - It's All A Mystery

The mystery of why friends, family, co-workers and acquaintances respond or don't respond to certain posts on social media - Facebook, in particular - will probably never be solved.

The random nature of Facebook and other social media is often dumbfounding. I write what I think is a thought-provoking blog entry and post a link on Facebook, and there's no response. But I log on in the wee hours of the morning when I think no one else is up yet and change my profile picture, and there are a gazillion comments. Go, figure.

I recently came across an article by Miriam Kagan, a fundraiser for nonprofit organizations, that sums up how many of us feel when we hear the sound of crickets after posting something on Facebook.

In her article, titled "Why don't my friends like me on Facebook?" Kagan explains:

"Lately, I've noticed an interesting trend: I post something on Facebook that I think is fascinating, hilarious, or some deep revelation into the mysterious world of Miriam Kagan, and my social sphere reacts... in dead silence.

"Failed in my effort to get instant gratification at my own personal awesomeness through likes and comments, I am subsequently delighted and confused by friends who say things like 'your Facebook status the other day made me laugh out loud' or 'you know, it seems from your Facebook posts that your coworkers are really funny' a few days later, when say we are having coffee.

"My inner social addict silently pouts - 'if you liked my status so much, why didn't you 'like' it and show the rest of my social universe how awesome you think I am?'"

Kagan really captures how many of us feel, or at least how I often feel, when I invest a lot of time, energy and emotional equity (the psychological version of "sweat equity") in crafting a post that I hope will spark a dialogue with Facebook friends, but no one says anything. (Read Kagan's full article at this link: http://www.connectioncafe.com/posts/2012/08-august/why-dont-my-friends-like-me.html)

Here are a few theories as to why some Facebook friends remain silent, and some counter-arguments as to why we will never know why people react (or don't react) the way they do:

Nobody likes homework. I'm as guilty as the next guy, or gal, in not clicking links or reading lengthy posts because I often only have limited time to browse Facebook and I'm not in the mood to "read" or do anything that feels like "homework." I just want to be a passive browser.

Why this argument doesn't make sense: If something really grabs my attention, it doesn't matter how long it is, I'll make the time to read it all the way through.

Some people like to remain anonymous. Some Facebook friends really don't like attention; they just like to see what other people are up to. They may be afraid that if they like or comment on a post, they'll get sucked into a long, drawn-out conversation that they either don't have time for or just don't feel like taking part in.

Why this argument doesn't make sense: Many "silent creepers" will comment on major life events, such as weddings, new jobs, relocations to new cities, et cetera. So maybe they just don't want to get bogged down in everyday, mundane stuff or philosophical arguments.

I can understand not wanting to get caught up in controversial topics like politics, religion or racial issues, but why people don't comment on perfectly harmless items like pop-culture trivia is beyond me.

In-person contact is preferred. Rather than comment on or "like" something they see on Facebook, some people would rather wait until they see that person face to face or talk to him or her on the phone to catch up.

Why this argument doesn't make sense: If interacting online is so impersonal and off-putting, why be on Facebook in the first place?!  

Who knows why the "silent majority" stay silent? Like the lyrics of the classic song "Life Is Just a Bowl of Cherries": "You musn't take it serious/it's much too mysterious..."

This is the second in a series of blog posts about the perils of social media. I had originally conceived this series as being all about the pitfalls of using social media for self-promotion, but it's a topic with so many layers, I decided to expand it.

In my next post on this topic, which I plan to publish on Monday, October 13, I'll explore social media etiquette, and why there is no such thing.